This is not that blog entry yet.

The hardest part of coping up with an unsuccessful attempt to romance is seeing and/or encountering things that are associated with your failed subject of interest. Just when you thought you are okay and forgetting, here comes this little BS to make your heart leap once again. What a bitch.

Earlier this day, my dad cooked sinigang for lunch. It was the first time that I didn't get excited and giddy about having that as my ulam. After lunch, I drove to the office and heard I Can't Fight This Feeling by Cory Monteith over RX. (Damn, itinago ko na nga muna yung CD ko ng Glee just so I wouldn't hear that song for the meantime.)My heart still leaped but a heartache eventually followed.

After I parked my car, I got my mini bag from the back seat and there was this tag on it that says, "Made in Bangkok". Before I went up to the main building, I saw manong mekaniko fixing something on the company car. And finally, as I was online on YM, I read the sentence from a message that always reminded me of a certain someone I thought I was already forgetting.

Maybe, I would never fail to remember how he loves sinigang. I would always remember that it was him I was thinking of every time Finn of Glee sings that shower song... that I would always imagine myself walking in the streets of Bangkok with him as he orients me with that hometown of him... that I would always admire his patience and hard work whenever he shares how hard it was to invest on the makeover of his car... And that he would always blame me for not inviting him to join me and my friends during an inuman. I thought I wasn't living on his shadows but apparently, I was wrong.

Sorry guys, this is just not that "I-am-so-over-you" blog entry yet.


Where are the damn distractions when you need them?

Gian: "Cooool."

Can I just say that this one made me really happy last night? <3






When Gian asked me some weeks ago about my birthday gift request, I never hesitated to tell him right there and there what I wanted. :)) I am collecting CDs of my favorite bands and having Incubus' collection of best hits would be such a great gift for me. And so last night, I considered Gian as a better dude than Santa Claus! :))





It was him and Marvin who I had dinner with last night at my house. We drank a little, took some lovely pictures of us and called it a day at around 4am. Damn last night was so fun even if it was just the three of us. I love them both. :)

We missed Riguer cos he's got work. I guess I'd see him soon at our planned out of town getaway.

I miss you guys already! I love you. :)

Simplify.

Do you feel the same or is it just me? Why does it feel like it's not Christmas at all?


Weather's gloomy since I don't-know-when.
Work's up til the 23rd. Off on 24 25 but back on the 26th. Damn it.
No plans on where to go to or what to do on the 25th.
I am not excited about opening the gifts I have under the freakin' Christmas tree.
I sleep with a broken heart and wake up with a lonely one.




C'mon, Tel. End the year right.



I remember a stranger once told me, "get a little bit of what you want but be contented with what you have". Keeping things simple would help us keep future circumstances simple too.

I have my family and friends. And they all make me feel loved. I guess it must be all about counting your blessings rather than complaining with what you don't have. Simplify. Forget the fucking irritating bullshits and start anew.

Okay, I feel better.


Merry Christmas, guys. :)

Yet Again.

Tangina, I'm pregnant.

Joke.

I wish this is that simple.

Remember how I announced to almost everyone that I find a certain someone really special? Remember how I gave him space in this blogsite, every now and then? Well... we're done.

Okay, I don't know how to put this. There was no "us", but I'm pretty sure there was something going on. Apparently, whatever it was, it ended last night. He ended it. Yes, HE did.

He told me he wanted to be honest, and I got that. I had the impression that he wanted the best of both worlds. For a time, I thought I was betrayed although there was no commitment or vow between us at all. I felt like I was playing the role of a meantime girl, or of a cute little distraction he was fond to come to every now and then. How awesome was the other one, anyway? Apparently, she was more than awesome. In fact, they were not together anymore but he still couldn't let her go... even if I was there already. Okay, my ego had just died.

I thought I was clear in communicating to any guy who came along that I wanted things in black and white. The gray area had been such a bitch.

Frankly speaking, I was more than hurt, but I still don't want to judge him. I remember I told him that I want us to be cool despite everything that might happen. And besides, who am I to conclude or assume about a thing when I haven't gotten any answers yet? I don't think I got the explanation I wanted (perhaps he felt like he didn't have to)for up to now I am still clueless. End of it all, he's nowhere now. And I'm left here with nothing but the hope that I'll get through this too.

God, what do you want me to feel. I can't believe I was crying last night because of this. It feels good to cry everything out but after all the drama, I still feel that huge throb on my chest. Fail.

Let me linger to this not-another-misadventure for some time, but wait for the entry I'll write about how I got through this. It doesn't feel good to get screwed up but at least I know I am strong enough to handle the crap. Bring it on, man.

The Question.

It was around 10:30 pm when I sent him a message.

"I'm about to sleep. Do you want to ask your question now?"

Apparently, he told me he wanted to ask something but he knew I was busy working so he said he'd ask me before we go to sleep. He replied in a heartbeat.


"You remembered."


I guess I can't deny how special he is to me. I think about him often now, unlike before, when I used to take him for granted.

The question he said he was ashamed of asking kept me thinking the whole day and I just couldn't let the day end without me knowing it. When he asked about it, he was sorry. He said it was a question out of curiosity. I said it was okay. I didn't find the question offensive. I guessed it was a typical question that guys ask girls when their relationship with each other is kind of levelling up.

I don't know if ours is progressing but, whatever. I don't give a damn about the question probably because I know that my answer is just real and simple. My answer should keep him interested. I know it adds up to my market value.

Figured yet what his question was?

Music. The Different Kind.

I remember two summers ago, my friends and I were eyeing on getting a job at Makati. We got our internship programs from companies situated in that area, and I guess we kinda liked the vibe that the city has. Long walks from Paseo de Roxas to the MRT station was a lot of fun, actually. Aside from the endless talks and lots of bullying (to a certain someone we love teasing cos she rarely gets angry and she's incredibly fun to be with talaga), we kept ourselves enjoying with the kind of music we played on our mp3s. It kept us hyped up during the rush hours up to the time that we parted ways to go to our own respective homes.

I just suddenly remembered the story when I played a random CD in my car earlier as I drive to office. You know, my CDs are scattered everywhere inside my Lightning McQueen. The CD was like a compilation of Younha's kind of J and K Pop. Oh she's the cutest.



I like the fact that Japan and Korea were able to define their own kind of music. I listen to them although I must admit that I don't really understand what most of the songs say. I find them really cute. Back in college, I would always ask my Korean friend Kim Hee-Jung to get me the gist of some particular songs. I won't forget Younha's Delete for it's saying something like "You're losing me. But hold on to me, and win me back."


So anyway, you can search her on Youtube to check out how cute she is. Click here to view my personal favorite. :)

I end this blog with the hope that someday, Pinoy music would also define its own identity. Original, loud, and proud. :)

I think we have some musicians that are doing a great job already. Hello to Urbandub. ;)

Almost Independent

I just talked to my mom last night about change in my work hours. The VP asked us to go to work on Saturdays (awful) for more store visits. I didn't like it, of course. I don't earn much and going to work every Saturday would add up to my monthly expenditures. It sucks. But yeah, what can I do.

So I thought, if I could find a studio-type apartment near in Marikina that would cost just as much as my monthly gas expenses, I'd get it. Much to my surprise, my parents approved of it. They are the overprotective-you-just-stay-home type so when they said, "Bahala ka." when I asked permission, I knew they didn't mean yes but it's very very very much negotiable. They would most likely allow me to live on my own.

I'm excited. I will learn how to budget more, how to prioritize, how to take care of myself, blah blah. I will be more independent, and that's the best part of all for me. Sure, I'm still pissed with the Saturday schedule but whatever... I'll try to not think about that anymore.

i hope to find "my temporary home" soon.

At A Loss For Words

This is just another BV entry. I tell you the story and I pray that I feel better right after I publish this.

So I just figured last night that I was considered as an outlet of stress by a certain someone. Apparently, we talked about my little rants about him (and my birthday angst) and we both agreed that it was indeed his fault. I felt guilty, as he explained his side, although I also felt bad with the impression I got as he said his piece.

"I'm not blessed like the usual people... You wake up everyday with food on the table, clothes to wear, car to use etc. When you arrive at home, you just set your stuff down and eat...For me, I have to work for basically everything. Food, laundry, then office, go home, fix my food and eat. I spend my weekends doing my laundry to have clothes for the coming week. I have so many priorities and it takes up all my time that I can't even go out on an overnight party during a Friday because I'd miss my laundry Saturday. I'm sorry if I was making lambing, maybe I was comfy with you. When I go to bed and finish everything, I text you, takes off stress."

I feel bad for two reasons: One, I am guilty of demanding him to come to the overnight party for my birthday when we're just, in fact, FRIENDS. And two: It's not so good to realize that he flirts with me just because he's comfy. And that it takes away his stress.

REASON NO.1: This is the danger of flirting around when you can't guard your heart. I think I like him, for I won't blog about how hurt I was last night if I didn't find him important and/or special. It's hard to figure what we are. And because the complication starts from where we stand, we don't know the right move to make when we like something said, or when we want to ask something, etc. While spontaneity is fun, it's the hardest thing when you want things clear. I am that type. I plan, I want things in black and white. He's more of the steady, go with the flow type. And maybe that explains why our relationship doesn't progress.

REASON NO.2: It's an ego thing. I know my market value. I don't want to boast or brag what I know I have, but I think I am a decent, smart woman. And to make me an outlet of stress is... whew. I don't know what to say anymore. It's just heavy and surprising and... maybe I just can't accept the fact that the one I thought I knew actually treats me like that.

He went here today to discuss things about our company and his employer's dealings. Everything was just so casual. It was as if everything that happened last night was a random dream. He asked me if I was okay. I said yes... but I knew I wasn't. And then back to normal again. With all the smiles in his face.

Right now, I am fuckin torn. Something tells me that I should talk to him. Apologize, perhaps? I really feel guilty. But then again, I thought I knew my market value?

The only thing that makes me thankful now is that at least this happened early on.

Complications of the heart. I thought I'm done with them.

The Karaoke Song.

I feel guilty for writing a bunch of entries when I should be doing my tasks for today. But whatever. Five minutes. :D

So I just remembered our favorite magic sing. Magic sing's success in the Philippine market is, maybe, the biggest proof that shows how Filipinos love entertainment, particularly music. I remember how my siblings and I (and my mom), excitedly went home that Saturday night just to try the newly bought "modern karaoke". Fun. It keeps the family closer and bonded.

I only have three frustrations in life. One: I didn't inherit my dad's height. I am oh-so-cute. Two: I can't play the piano. I always thought that being able to play those keys make a woman's market value a little higher. and Three: I can't sing. I can't even carry a tune. Fail.

Thanks to magic sing, though, for I can now unleash the frustrated singer in me. I have a lot of favorite old songs to sing in the karaoke, but I have only a few favorites. I like them because I get a score as high as 97, when I sing them. Beri gud!

Here's one:

when i need you embed mp3
Free MP3 Download | free Music download -

Idk, it's such a sweet song. :) The lyrics is simply beautiful.

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

Miles and miles of empty space in between us
The telephone can't take the place of your smile
But you know I won't be travelin' forever
It's cold out but hold out and do I like I do

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you babe
It's only a heartbeat away

It's not easy when the road is your driver
Honey that's a heavy load that we bear
But you know I won't be traveling a lifetime
It's cold out but hold out and do like I do

Oh, I need you

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

When I need you
Just close my eyes
And you're right here by my side
Keeping me warm night and day



Actually, I like the Leo Sayer's version better but I can't find its code to embed it here. Now I'm excited to go home again and test the freakin magic sing for the 100th time... with the same song. HAHA.

How about you? What's your favorite karaoke song?

Pet Peeves.

I have to make my mind work this morning. I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO for I know I have a lot of stuff to do I just don't want to start doing them now. So let me blog about random things first as I become hopeful that this little writing will wake up my mind and spirit for today.

All of us have pet peeves. I have a lot. My mom and most of my guy friends always remind me, that if I didn't stop my being "suplada", "masungit", and "iritable" in the littlest things, I would eventually be a pathetic old maid. But yea, you can tell, I don't listen to them. If potential boyfriends can't handle me, then it's not anymore my problem. But whatever, that's not what I want to blog about.

So pet peeves. Let me share with you my list.



1. Super jologs Taglish SMS and/or chat messages (include those words that these jologs spell wrong): i.e. "Where na you?", "Okay naman me. Musta na u?", "La na q lod. Lod mu q."
UGHHHH. From where moronic place are you?? I am no English (or language for that matter) expert, but what I do is, if I know I couldn't say it in straight English, I speak straight Filipino, and vice versa. Okay I admit, I am a closet Taglish speaker too but what the hell, at least I spell words right. I don't blame these people. I blame the practice. I blame, most especially the factors that cause it.




2. Stupid Pinoy revivals: I just noticed, majority of the released singles in the present are revivals. Where are our great Pinoy composers? What is happening with our local music? We used to have the beautiful Kundiman. Okay, maybe we can't play them now as the Entertainment industry must keep up in the today's growing trend like, you know, RnB, HipHop, and Alternative Music. But I think Pinoys are much more talented than the music gods and goddesses in the US or UK that we praise. We can define our own music, our own style, much like how Japan and Korea cutely did it with J-Pop and K-Pop respectively. Maybe Urbandub can start the Pinoy music revolution? ;)



3. Dirty Nails: Eew, dude. Do I have to explain this further? Go wear your ballet flats if you haven't gone to the ped yet. Nail cutter's around 50 pesos only, you must get yourself one. :|




4. Radio station callers who are trying a little too hard: Just speak Filipino if you're having a hard time. That's what I do. Our jocks here are cool and steady, they don't mind what language you use, as long as they understand you. You are, one of the major reasons, why I switch one radio station to another.




5. "I'll tell you something. Oops, I just changed my mind.": UUGH! If you were not sure that you wanted something said, goddamn it, then don't even give a hint or a clue that there is indeed something inside your chest that you want to blurt out. The feeling that this act brings is just awful.


So much for my early rantings. What are your pet peeves?

If you...

I believe in John Mayer when he sang, "Say what you need to say..."

I had a random funny conversation with a dear friend earlier. I told her I was wondering why guys can't figure when girls are not interested, and most especially when they are. Well, probably, the girl is a bad communicator. It's a little harder here in Asia because interpersonal communication here is more of a receiver oriented, unlike in most Western countries where the sender of the message is responsible in being a little straight forward so that the receiver will get the message right.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to point out here is that we don't always have to keep what we feel inside. Culture, tradition, and beliefs might hinder us from doing so, but who cares? More often than not, it's a matter of now or never. We are all afraid of the outcome, but I tell you, living with a a lot of "what could have beens" give you a heavy heart. Always.

And with that, I pray that I have always been expressive with what I think needs to be expressed. ;)

It's still leaping.

Whew.

I always tell myself to always walk forward. Looking back every now and then is normal, but getting stuck from the past won't take me any further. I want to be situated somewhere better. Mistakes, mishaps, and heart breaks of the past still urge me to look to what is in front of me... and to what and where I should be.

Just this afternoon, a very important part of my past suddenly reappeared. Forgive me for saying this, but my heart has been leaping from the very second I got the instant message, up to this moment that I am uttering random words for not being able to contain what I feel. For a second, I thought I was suddenly brought to where I always wanted to be. To be with the arms of this certain someone I know I curse but I dearly love.

I am sure I will be thinking about this for quite some time. Yet, I know that I am strong-willed and that I am still aware that what I have right now is the best for everything. It is best that I am not with him, for I am not what he needs.

"Keep walking.", said Johnnie Walker. I know I should. More importantly, I am hopeful to be stronger than now, so that my goddamn heart will stop leaping when I encounter him... again.

On February

I have been hearing about it but I haven't really used nor believed in it. The Secret or better known as the Law of Attraction is what one of my friends has been telling me about. She said that as long as I believe firmly, seriously, with all my mind and soul, about something, it would happen.

So anyway, I am pilot testing it for the first time. You might call me desperate, but whatever. Expectations can be heartbreaking at the end of the day, but that's what the Law of Attraction is about. I should just believe. And trust that it will happen.

"On February, you will meet me. And from then on, you will always be thankful that you finally found me, the one that will bring back the colors and abundance of oxytocin in your life. On February, you will fall in love with me. You chubby, cutie, Spanish blood, communicator."

Sounds scary? HAHAHA. Don't worry, I don't bite. :p


Now all we (or I) have to do is to wait 'til it's February. ;)

Travel More, Buy Less

I am the taong bahay type. Okay, call me a loser, bummer, boring person, what have yous, but I really find a certain kind of comfort and satisfaction when I just stay home. But because I am already 21, I figure I should try something different. It is never easy living with "could have beens" and they're almost like living throbs in my chest (parang yung recent heart breaker ko ang drama?). So this year, I think I will finally go out of my comfort zone and live with the philosophy of Carpe Diem. Late bloomer? Haha.

So anyway, I will start saving; stop buying stuff like clothes and shoes and start allotting money for travel. There are a lot of places I want to go to and I think I already have the capacity to save for myself and make these dreams of mine come true. To travel alone is what I am eyeing on so far. But if friends and/or (soon to be) lover would join me, then I guess it would be a more fun experience.

Here are some of the places and/or things I want to see or go to as of the moment:



Oh the cherry blossoms. I am a closet Korean drama fan, and I always dream about seeing a loooong street where a lot of cherry blossoms are located. Cold breeze. Pinkish ground. And holding a hand of a lover, perhaps? :p



Harajuku is outrageous. It's crazy artistic and wild! I want to see them in the urban cities of Japan. It's like getting into an anime series or something.




It's my Chinese blood, I guess. I want to see these great walls that my great ancestors built. I want to see for myself how it became a great defense against THE enemies. Hehe.



Aside from the famous good Thai food, I want to try the kind of massage that these elephants do! How does it feel to have that huge thing right above you?





Okay maybe I can go snorkeling somewhere else but I really prefer Palawan. I think it's because I know that even if I don't go snorkel, I will still witness nature's perfect beauty.



This is what I missed when my family and I went to Vietnam last Christmas. Aside from the amazing scenery, I want to try eating at the famous Sea Turtle Cruise. Woah, feeling mayaman. Haha.



Santorini, Greece is definitely my dream city. It's like a perfect escapade for dreamers like me. This reminds me of some movies I saw like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Mamma Mia. The architecture and the "all-white" houses beside the blue sea is just amazing.





I like the old 16th century vibe that these old houses in Vigan bring. I want to see them for real and check out what's inside them. This is probably where I will go first for it requires less money than the travels in Korea or Greece. HAHA.


That's it. I guess I will have more dream destinations soon but so far these places are my priorities. Happiness is a holiday, indeed. :)

Bente Uno.

One blog entry isnt enough for me to write down all the good things (and perhaps bad ones?) that happened during my birthday. So let me just state the craziest things I realized, which would make me remember (always!) my 21st birthday celebration. :)

Craziest Things About my 21st Birthday Celebration:

1.I stayed up until 5am. RECORD BREAKING!

2.I wasn’t able to make Patrick do the Hip Hop Abs dance but we still managed to make fun of him.



3.The only common denominator in my friends wishlist for me is: FIND TRUE LOVE SOON!

4.There was no beer to drink except for a small bottle of Heineken that Faye bought for herself.



5.We almost used rock salt for the tequila.

6.I sang When I Need You during our magic sing session but no one of my guests figured that it was, in fact, When I Need You.

7.I met new people and it’s good to know that we all went along.

8.90% of my guests live from far far away, but they all made an effort in going all the way to QC just to celebrate the night with me.





To all people who greeted me, thank you very much. To those who knew it was birthday but didn't choose to send me a greeting, thank you too. At least you remembered.

Here's to more years of friendship and optimism! ILU guys. :)

This is what I want.

Today is December's first day. I am really excited and giddy when I feel the fresh (pa nga ba?) Christmas breeze in the morning. It's like my sign that the holidays is just around the corner. And so is my birthday.

So last year, I don't really remember how I celebrated. Hmm, two years ago I remember my friends giving me a surprise birthday greeting in our World Literature class. The other years ago, ummm.. I don't remember.

My birthday wishes? I don't remember. I also don't remember if they happened or not. This year's birthday wish? Umm, let me think about it first.

So I have a little plan. I'm cooking on the night before my birthday and invite some friends over. As of the moment we still don't have a maid at home so expect the party to be a little messy. But yea, I just want to celebrate with the closest friends, have a pretty good meal, drink some beer perhaps, and de-virginize our new 2010 edition magic sing.

About the birthday wish... Okay I have some wishes now. I want an Incubus Moments and Melodies album. Gian, Marvin, and Riguer are buying it for me. I want a Nikon DSLR, which I will probably have by next year because it's hella expensive. And lastly, I want to install a really nice set of speakers on my car so I can enjoy my music trippings a little more. And what else... wala na siguro.

But since I know I can't have them all... I mean, come on, they are expensive and my parents won't shed money for those because I am already working... so I have some wishes that I guess I can have for my birthday.

Okay, I just want an "authentic" peace of mind. I know I fucked up this year, especially with relationships and to everything related to those. I am still bitter, perhaps, but I just want to end it all. So regardless if it's me or the other parties that should to do the first step, this year, for my birthday, I want to reconcile with the people I have issues with so we can all start over.

I want something as simple as that. And I just realized that I did the first move.

Now this is the birthday wish that I probably won't forget. I wonder if it would happen, though.

Happy birthday to me.

I don't play Farmville, so don't ask me for crops.

I know I have more important things to do today but I cant help but blog about this. Give me 5 minutes.

Facebook is perhaps the best social networking site since Friendster. Its unique selling propositions, which really makes me love it, is its being interactive with users and...it is stalker-friendly <3. I use Facebook for two reasons, one is to express my thoughts and moods in a not-so-annoying way (because I know I can be overly dramatic), and two, is to connect with friends and acquaintances.

This morning, though, I got pissed with a certain friend who sent me a message through FB chat (she does this every single morning) just to ask for a fuckin reindeer in Farmville. "Huy, give mo naman ako reindeer sa farmville. salamat." WTF! I told her on Monday, and last week, and the week before that, that I don't play Farmville, but she keeps on bugging me to log in and give her crops, animals, and whatnot. Seriously, dude, can't you understand a simple statement like "I don't play Farmville."?

It's the same concept to those who invite people to be a fan of something or someone. I used to do this (work-related), but now I know that it's not supposed to be the case. Maybe you can invite once but that's it. If I decline, I EFFIN DECLINE. Don't force people to like your brand or you will never get to convert them as buyers.

And with that I share with you my current Facebook status message:

most of my friends here in FB are either farmers or mafia gangsters. i am neither. so don't bug me every single morning just to ask for crops, gifts, guns, what have yous. thank you very much.

SHOOT. BV.

"With an insincere “love is forever,” we begin."

photo credits: lelove

I was busy with work and some other stuff for the past two days. I got 5 minutes this morning to update this blog site and thoughts in my mind are already starting to overflow that if I decided to write them down at this moment, this would be nothing but a poor medium of words that are just needed to be blurted out. So while I am prioritizing the things that I want to write down, let me share with you a write-up about a topic I am always ready to talk about -- relationships.

I came across this article this morning (which I thought I needed as of the moment)and had fun reading it. This morning was one of those moments when I felt that it's good to realize that I am getting old. Click here and read the article while I prepare my own share of kwento. ;)

Have You Been Grateful?

photo taken at Taft, by Bheng Mifana.

My employer and I talked earlier about my appraisal. Well, the discussion wasn’t anything good. Because my former boss fucked up for his almost 6 month stay in the company, no one, as of the moment, can evaluate me for regularization. To cut the long story short, the VP decided to “extend” my on probe contract so she could evaluate and appraise me herself. At first, I thought “Ok.”, but as I thought things over, ugh, I should have said no.

So as I drove home, I thought it was unfair for my employer to give me that kind of deal. Okay, I know that the department where I am at is doomed as of the moment but I know I am putting my best efforts to actually cope up with the mess that my former boss brought, and to push my limits in doing everything I can just so I can make the brand sell. Making me work as a proby for another six months is a little too much for me. Bad vibes. Random thoughts filled my head; I got pissed of the usual looong traffic jam at Fairview, barbaric, motherfucker bus drivers who didn’t care if they hit a car or two… woah, today is just not my day.

But then God knows how to tame me. As I wait for the stoplight near Regalado area to signal “go”, I saw a very young couple walking along the street, carrying their not-so-healthy-looking baby with bunches of bags and plastic bags, where (I suppose) their things are stuck. They looked so tired and hungry; both of them were very thin. It was as if they were in search for a home where they can rest and feel safe.

A few meters away from that area, I saw a kid sitting at the island of the road, munching on some chips. I thought it was his dinner for tonight. He was very dirty, his clothes were all rugged, and he wasn’t wearing any slippers at all.

I know I see these scenarios everyday but tonight was so much different. I felt guilty for almost cursing my life because I didn’t get the things I wanted, from a simple traffic jam to my career, when there are people, a lot of them, who are more problematic and wounded than I am. For a time I thought I was neglecting the blessings that I have in my hands.

Kanya-kanyang problema, kanya-kanyang dinadala. Hinga lang. There are a lot of things that we should be grateful for. Ranting is inevitable, but don’t forget that we will never ever be left with nothing. We just have to open our eyes so we can see what we actually have. :)

Can We Still Be Friends?

photo credits: leloveimage.blogspot.com

My number one rule in any of my relationships: if ever there was a falling out that would happen in the middle of everything, I want myself and the other person to remain friends after.

Why? Well, I believe that when you open yourself up to someone, trust and acceptance come in. In the process of building and living a life with this person, you allow yourself to be discovered by the other and vice versa. Eventually, you realize that you do not just accept the person for who he/she is, but you get to actually enjoy his/her whole being. You learn a lot from him/her, you see angles of life you never thought exist, you see some things on a different perspective, and little by little, the person becomes a part of you.

The sad part comes in, however. Things fall apart in a heartbeat. And regardless if whose fault it was, it sucks to realize that after everything, you tend to treat each other as if you were another stranger. What a waste.

I don’t want that to happen to me in either of my platonic or romantic relationships. Shit happens as usual as the good ones, so why let the shit ones make you hate the other, as well as force you to forget the good times you shared with him/her?

But then again, I know I am being so idealistic. People don’t always part ways in good terms. I mean, yeah, shit happens to everybody but not all shits are at the same degree. And of course, not all people can be as understanding and as forgiving as the ideal person who we have in our minds.

I just came out of a not so normal relationship. I swear, whoever it is who invented the “it’s complicated status”, you are so giving more and more people a hard time. I am out of this person’s life and so am I in his. We’ve known each other for the past nine years or so but as of the moment; I am nothing but a random stranger to him and vice versa. To tell you honestly, it’s not a very good feeling. Waking up everyday with a thought of, “I wasn’t a good memory to him.” is like a slap on my ego.

Maybe, in time, we’ll be friends again. By then, we will be both comfortable to see each other’s faces, talk about what’s up with us lately. I don’t know but maybe I am hopeful. Despite all the hurt and disappointments, my number one rule is still my number one rule. It’s hard to live like a living contradiction of the things I believe in, but I’ll cope up. Someday I will, in God’s time. :)

Who again?

"Bare"

It's part of my very first photo essay.

Extremely melancholic. External locus of control. Nostalgic for disaster. A sucker for hopeless romanticism.

These phrases above are, maybe, the ones that describe me as a woman (thanks to a certain someone who stick these labels on my forehead). It’s not so good to realize that some people believe I am such an emotional “creature”. It sucks, to tell you honestly, when I become conscious of the fact that some aren’t willing to stick around when I am being me.

I may not have as many experiences as you or others may do, but for the past twenty years of my existence, I have come to realize that there are only three things that a person should do to be happy. One is to be contented with what you have; two, is to love truthfully; and three, is to always stay true to yourself. The first two things aren’t really problems to me. As the eldest daughter of an OFW, I grew up valuing every cent that I have, as well as appreciating what my parents can put on the table. As for the second one, well, I was labelled as a sucker for hopeless romanticism, if you remember. I must say that to love truthfully is probably my best talent. As they say, love is a talent; you are either born knowing it, or you do not know it at all. And then lastly, okay, I don’t have issues with it, but things become more complicated, or rather hurtful, when people start to have issues with me because of it.

People label people; and sometimes I get really pissed when they do. I don’t think it is fair for some to be called “emo” when they are just being expressive of their feelings. Like what I always tell my friends, the true ones, we all experience emotional roller coasters. We all know how it is to be in bliss, to be loved, to be rejected, to be hurt, among others, but we all have different treatments on them. Some people get completely immersed by it; it’s the only thing that you always hear from their mouths. Some just go steady, ready for anything that might happen next. Some over intellectualize the entire situation; they come up with random thoughts and realizations (and some theoretical stuff perhaps), and express them through the various types of human communication.

I am the over-intellectualizing-type, and I realized just recently that it became my instant people and/or guy repellent. There are times when I question myself for being me, but at the end of the day, I know that a person’s perception about me doesn’t justify my existence at all. It’s true that we can’t please everybody and that fact would hurt us every now and then. Instead of allowing ourselves to dwell too much on that, we should just be thankful that there are still some who are willing to stick around. While there are people who push us away, there are more who accept and love us not for what we have but for simply who we are. As the saying goes, let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing.

I have never felt so ugly in my life until somebody told me he was completely turned off with my being extremely melancholic, external locus of control, nostalgic for disaster, and a sucker for hopeless romanticism. Still, I know that these four phrases aren’t the only ones that make me up. Perhaps they are considered as flaws and I can’t convince anyone to love them. It’s human nature to love only what is beautiful after all. Whatever happened to the acceptance and love I showed him, I am sure of the next step to do: build a bridge and get the fuck over it.

I am not sure if I should make this as the pilot entry of this blog site but I know everyone goes through this phase. I like to make this entry as a jump start for me (or for us, if you share the same sentiment) to finally rebuild my heart, not with its broken pieces but with new ones. After everything that happened, at least I survived to tell the story. :)