At A Loss For Words

This is just another BV entry. I tell you the story and I pray that I feel better right after I publish this.

So I just figured last night that I was considered as an outlet of stress by a certain someone. Apparently, we talked about my little rants about him (and my birthday angst) and we both agreed that it was indeed his fault. I felt guilty, as he explained his side, although I also felt bad with the impression I got as he said his piece.

"I'm not blessed like the usual people... You wake up everyday with food on the table, clothes to wear, car to use etc. When you arrive at home, you just set your stuff down and eat...For me, I have to work for basically everything. Food, laundry, then office, go home, fix my food and eat. I spend my weekends doing my laundry to have clothes for the coming week. I have so many priorities and it takes up all my time that I can't even go out on an overnight party during a Friday because I'd miss my laundry Saturday. I'm sorry if I was making lambing, maybe I was comfy with you. When I go to bed and finish everything, I text you, takes off stress."

I feel bad for two reasons: One, I am guilty of demanding him to come to the overnight party for my birthday when we're just, in fact, FRIENDS. And two: It's not so good to realize that he flirts with me just because he's comfy. And that it takes away his stress.

REASON NO.1: This is the danger of flirting around when you can't guard your heart. I think I like him, for I won't blog about how hurt I was last night if I didn't find him important and/or special. It's hard to figure what we are. And because the complication starts from where we stand, we don't know the right move to make when we like something said, or when we want to ask something, etc. While spontaneity is fun, it's the hardest thing when you want things clear. I am that type. I plan, I want things in black and white. He's more of the steady, go with the flow type. And maybe that explains why our relationship doesn't progress.

REASON NO.2: It's an ego thing. I know my market value. I don't want to boast or brag what I know I have, but I think I am a decent, smart woman. And to make me an outlet of stress is... whew. I don't know what to say anymore. It's just heavy and surprising and... maybe I just can't accept the fact that the one I thought I knew actually treats me like that.

He went here today to discuss things about our company and his employer's dealings. Everything was just so casual. It was as if everything that happened last night was a random dream. He asked me if I was okay. I said yes... but I knew I wasn't. And then back to normal again. With all the smiles in his face.

Right now, I am fuckin torn. Something tells me that I should talk to him. Apologize, perhaps? I really feel guilty. But then again, I thought I knew my market value?

The only thing that makes me thankful now is that at least this happened early on.

Complications of the heart. I thought I'm done with them.