Who again?

"Bare"

It's part of my very first photo essay.

Extremely melancholic. External locus of control. Nostalgic for disaster. A sucker for hopeless romanticism.

These phrases above are, maybe, the ones that describe me as a woman (thanks to a certain someone who stick these labels on my forehead). It’s not so good to realize that some people believe I am such an emotional “creature”. It sucks, to tell you honestly, when I become conscious of the fact that some aren’t willing to stick around when I am being me.

I may not have as many experiences as you or others may do, but for the past twenty years of my existence, I have come to realize that there are only three things that a person should do to be happy. One is to be contented with what you have; two, is to love truthfully; and three, is to always stay true to yourself. The first two things aren’t really problems to me. As the eldest daughter of an OFW, I grew up valuing every cent that I have, as well as appreciating what my parents can put on the table. As for the second one, well, I was labelled as a sucker for hopeless romanticism, if you remember. I must say that to love truthfully is probably my best talent. As they say, love is a talent; you are either born knowing it, or you do not know it at all. And then lastly, okay, I don’t have issues with it, but things become more complicated, or rather hurtful, when people start to have issues with me because of it.

People label people; and sometimes I get really pissed when they do. I don’t think it is fair for some to be called “emo” when they are just being expressive of their feelings. Like what I always tell my friends, the true ones, we all experience emotional roller coasters. We all know how it is to be in bliss, to be loved, to be rejected, to be hurt, among others, but we all have different treatments on them. Some people get completely immersed by it; it’s the only thing that you always hear from their mouths. Some just go steady, ready for anything that might happen next. Some over intellectualize the entire situation; they come up with random thoughts and realizations (and some theoretical stuff perhaps), and express them through the various types of human communication.

I am the over-intellectualizing-type, and I realized just recently that it became my instant people and/or guy repellent. There are times when I question myself for being me, but at the end of the day, I know that a person’s perception about me doesn’t justify my existence at all. It’s true that we can’t please everybody and that fact would hurt us every now and then. Instead of allowing ourselves to dwell too much on that, we should just be thankful that there are still some who are willing to stick around. While there are people who push us away, there are more who accept and love us not for what we have but for simply who we are. As the saying goes, let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing.

I have never felt so ugly in my life until somebody told me he was completely turned off with my being extremely melancholic, external locus of control, nostalgic for disaster, and a sucker for hopeless romanticism. Still, I know that these four phrases aren’t the only ones that make me up. Perhaps they are considered as flaws and I can’t convince anyone to love them. It’s human nature to love only what is beautiful after all. Whatever happened to the acceptance and love I showed him, I am sure of the next step to do: build a bridge and get the fuck over it.

I am not sure if I should make this as the pilot entry of this blog site but I know everyone goes through this phase. I like to make this entry as a jump start for me (or for us, if you share the same sentiment) to finally rebuild my heart, not with its broken pieces but with new ones. After everything that happened, at least I survived to tell the story. :)